Motivating Children

When I was a kid, I remember having to rotate household chores, and the one I hated the most was washing the dishes. To my young mind, it appeared to be an impossible task to complete, and I just knew it would take forever! I fantasized about having the magician from Sword in the Stone come to my house and enchant the dish scrubber and dishes so that they would clean themselves while I went off to have fun. 

Now that I have children of my own, I see that they have some of the same struggles that I have had too. It leaves me scratching my head  and wondering, how do I motivate my children to do things that they don't want to do? How do I teach my children to work hard and push through challenges? 

Grit

In my university studies, I learned that what I was really looking to teach my children was grit. This characteristic is means that a person has a strong power of persistence. They thrive rather than shrink, in the face of difficulty. According to a recent Forbes article, the five characteristics of grit are:

1. Courage - your ability to manage fear of failure is imperative and a predictor of success.
2. Conscientiousness - The achievement-oriented individual is one who works tirelessly, tries to do a good job, and completes the task at hand.
3. Long-term goals and endurance - achievement is the product of talent and effort, the latter a function of the intensity, direction, and duration of one’s exertions towards a long-term goal.
4. Resilience - optimism, confidence, and creativity.
5. Excellence - gritty people don't seek perfection but instead strive for excellence (Perlis, 2013).

I thought it was really interesting to read that grit is made up of many different characteristics. There isn't just one part of a person that determines whether or not they have grit, but it travels over many different areas of a person's personality. In the following video, Angela Duckworth discusses research that she's done on grit, and how it relates to children succeeding in the classroom. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H14bBuluwB8

One of the things that Duckworth mentioned in her TED Talk that can contribute to developing grit in children is growth mindset. 

Growth Mindset

The following graphic depicts the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset. This guide for teaching children a growth mindset defined it as follows: 

"Growth mindset occurs when we believe our intelligence and abilities can be

improved upon with effort and the right strategies. A willingness to confront challenges, a passion for learning, and viewing failure as a springboard for growth are all characteristics associated with a growth mindset." (Louick, 2019) 

It's possible for children to learn and develop a growth mindset, which will in turn help them develop more grit. When a child feels that they can't possibly complete a task because their not good at it, or they become frustrated and give up, this is a fixed mindset. When it was my turn to do the dishes, I always had a fixed mindset that I was not good at doing the dishes, and I didn't want to face the challenge. If I had developed a growth mindset, I might have looked at the challenge of doing the dishes differently. I would have felt that my attitude and effort would help me get through the difficult task. 

What could my parents have done to help me develop that growth mindset, and what could I do to help my children develop it as well? One of the first and most important steps is praise. 

Praise

"Good job, buddy!"

"That's awesome!"

"Way to go!"

This is definitely not the kind of praise that helps develop a growth mindset. This type of praise is called evaluative praise, and while it may feel good in the moment, it doesn't really encourage or recognize effort. 

Descriptive praise does not contain judgment, and is only focused on observations and the effort of the child. Appreciative praise is similar in that it also contains observations and withholds any type of judgment language. It is phrased to help a child understand the ripple effect of their actions. 

Some example of descriptive and appreciative praise are:

• I’m really impressed with how hard you worked on your science project. You were so thorough and careful in your work. 
• You showed a lot of dedication when you spent extra time practicing piano the last couple weeks. You even sacrificed spending time with friends to master that difficult piece you’ve been learning.  
• I noticed you went the extra mile when you cleaned the kitchen last night, even though you don’t like doing that job. You got every last dish washed and made the counters sparkle. 
• I noticed you helping your younger brother put away the dishes. It really helps our whole family and makes it easier to keep the house clean, and it strengthens the relationship between the two of you. 

When we offer descriptive and appreciative praise to our children, it helps them to value the effort that they exerted, which helps them develop a growth mindset, which helps them develop grit, which helps them to be successful in life! This process might not be an enchanted dish scrubber that will automatically wash the dishes for you, but it's pretty darn close!

References:

Louick. R. (2019, July 5). How to teach growth mindset to kids: The 4-week guide. Big Life Journal. https://biglifejournal.com/blogs/blog/teach-growth-mindset-kids-activities

Perlis, M. M. (2013, October 29). 5 characteristics of grit: How many do you have? Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/margaretperlis/2013/10/29/5-characteristics-of-grit-what-it-is-why-you-need-it-and-do-you-have-it/#71d688294f7b

Nurturing Children

I remember as my children started getting older, I was so worried about making a mistake or doing something wrong with them. I would often beat myself up over things that I regretted saying. One time  one of my little boys got into some bright blue nail polish and painted it all over their entire room. It was all over the dresser, all over the bed, all over the walls, all over the couch, and all over the carpet! I was pretty steamed about the whole thing and I hollered pretty good at them. I remember my daughter saying that she prayed so that I wouldn't be mad anymore about it. Boy, did I wish that I had acted more kindly in that situation. After I calmed down, I apologized to my children and we cleaned up the nail polish as much as we could. I discovered in that moment that I would never regret acting in kindness when it came to my children. 

Resilience

I'm sure that most parents have regrets as well, and wish they could go back and do things differently. I was excited to read William J. Doherty's take on these types of situations. He said, "The reality, according to loads of research, is that, if underlying parental care and attachment are present, most children are resilient in the face of ordinary mistakes in parenting. If children can handle most of our nonabusive mistakes, they can certainly handle our strong responses to them when these responses are fully called for. Children mostly know when they are off base, and feel safer when their parents step in assertively." (Take Back Your Kids: How to Teach and Get Respect, 2013, p. 2)

This gives me hope that even though I will make mistakes parenting, my children are resilient enough to handle those mistakes as long as we have a good relationship. One way to foster secure attachment with our children is through the process of emotion coaching.

Emotion Coaching

According to Dr. John Gottman, emotion coaching is parenting children in a way that helps to raise emotionally intelligent children who understand, identify, and successfully regulate their own emotions, and also develop empathy for others. The Gottman Institute outlines the five following steps on emotion coaching:

• Be aware of your child’s emotion
• Recognize your child’s expression of emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching
• Listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings
• Help your child learn to label their emotions with words
• Set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately (Lisitsa, 2012)

One of the reasons this is so important for children is because it helps with their emotional health. When children have good emotional health, there is a stronger parent/child attachment, they learn to have empathy for others, they do better in school, and they can more easily regulate their emotions. 

Maybe your feeling like you need to see emotion coaching in action. What does it look like when one person helps label emotions, validate feelings, or listen with empathy. Check out this clip from the movie Inside Out, and especially notice the difference between Joy and Sadness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QT6FdhKriB8

Did you notice how Joy was dismissive and tried to distract Bing Bong when he got upset? She seemed very uncomfortable with Bing Bong's emotions and tried to do everything to get him to be happy again, because she cared more about getting back to what she wanted to do. How did that differ from Sadness' reaction. She helped name and label Bing Bong's feelings, and accepted that he was sad about it. Because she did this, Bing Bong was validated in his emotions and able to more successfully regulate his emotions. 

Anger

When I found the nail polish all over the bedroom, I was so upset and felt that all I could do was yell. It reminded me of the quote that I read from H. Wallace Goddard who said, "Anger often seems irresistible. A child breaks a glass or hits a sibling, and we erupt. Can such an automatic process be interrupted? Can volcanic anger be replaced with civil helpfulness? It seems it would be easier to tum the mighty Mississippi upstream than to redirect the energy of wrath. We feel helpless in the face of our passion” (Goddard, 2006).

I believe that we can change that process in ourselves by following those same steps of emotion coaching. When we learn to regulate our own emotions better, then we can also help our children regulate their emotions. 

Nurturing Children

Emotion coaching takes time and practice to master but it is well worth the effort if it helps our children to grow into confident and empathetic adults. "To nurture a child suggests that we protect, support, and encourage that child. Nurture involves giving time, interest, and affection" (Goddard, 2006). The most important thing we can spend our time doing is nurturing our children whether it be through spending time together or being their emotion coach. The time spent will be worth the reward.  

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2006). The soft-spoken parent: More than 50 strategies to turn away wrath. Leatherwood Press. 

Lisitsa, E. (2012, June 8). An introduction to emotion coaching. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotion-coaching/

Guiding Children

I remember when I was growing up, my parents would spank me for misbehaving. This was their primary way of disciplining my siblings and me. Once I became a parent, I knew that I didn't want to discipline my children in the same way, and despite earning my Associate's degree in Early Childhood Education, I still found it difficult to know the proper way of disciplining and guiding my children in every situation. 

I was really excited to read some new parenting discipline strategies from Dr. Haim G. Ginott's best-selling parenting book, "Between Parent and Child." He gives outlines important steps that parents can take to discipline their children. 

Respectful Communication

The first suggestion that Ginott gives in his book is that parents learn to set a good tone in their home through good communication. "Parents need a language of compassion, a language that lingers lovingly. They need words that convey feelings, responses that change moods, statements that encourage goodwill, answers that bring insight, replies that radiate respect...Parents speak more intimately, they speak to the heart, when the adopt a language of caring, which is sensitive to children's needs and feelings" (Ginott, 2004, p.193).

I thought it was so interesting in the book that he suggests speaking to our children as if they are doctors. We would never think to speak to doctors in a disrespectful way. Somehow even in the most stressful situations, adults can find a way to communicate with other well-respected adults in an appropriate way. Sometimes this can be hard, especially when parents didn't receive that treatment when they were a child. 

"Parents need to become convinced of the futility of nagging and pushing. Coercive tactics only breed resentment and resistance. External pressure only invites defiance. Instead of trying to impose their will on children, parents are more likely to influence them when they see their children's points of view and involve them in solving a problem (Ginott, 2004, p. 197).

Good Listening Skills

One of the most important things that we can do as parents is to be good listeners. When we listen to our children, they learn that they can trust us, even when they share anger, upsetting thoughts,  complaints, or intense feelings. One of the ways to improve our listening skills is to remove some of the unhelpful responses to "unpleasant truths" (Ginott, 2004, p. 199). Ginott outlines a few examples of parental responses that may push our children further away: 

“What a crazy idea” (dismissing) 

“You know you don’t hate me” (denying) 

“You’re always going off half-cocked” (criticizing) 

“What makes you think you’re so great?" (humiliating) 

“I don’t want to hear another word about it!” (getting angry) (Ginott, 2004, p. 199).

Rather than having these negative reactions when children share things with us, we can have a more positive reaction that will help build trust. We can teach our children that they can trust us to tell us anything by having a more calm, and less judgmental reaction. 

Acknowledge Feelings

Ginott suggests that instead of doing these things, we should acknowledge our child's feelings. This doesn't mean that we agree, but that we are open to listening to things that we might not want to hear or that may even be unpleasant to us. 

"Do not deny your child’s perceptions, do not dispute his feelings, do not disown his wishes, do not deride his taste, do not denigrate his opinions, do not derogate his character, do not argue with his or her experience. Instead, acknowledge" (Ginott, 2004, p. 199).

Use Guidance Instead of Criticism

Another suggestion that Ginott gives is to avoid saying "anything negative to the child about herself." Instead of saying that a child is lazy for not getting their chores done on time, a parent could state the problem and give a possible solution. In the case of the chores, a parent could simply state that they need clean dishes for dinner, and that the dishwasher could be loaded. 

Use "I Statements"

Another helpful tips in guiding children is to use "I statements" like "I'm angry, I'm annoyed, I'm furious" whenever parents are frustrated with their children. This is better than saying insulting or shaming remarks. 

There is a great post about "I Statements" and why they are so effective, especially in a therapy environment. When people use "I statements to share their feelings, it helps them to focus more on the effects of the action rather than the action itself, and in this way it can reduce the urge to blame others, and it also prevents people from projecting their thoughts and feelings onto other people.  

Say "No" Gently

Children have a hard time in knowing what they really want and what they need, so it's important for parents to be careful when telling their children 'no' in a more loving way. It can be hard when children are frequently asking for things in the store that aren't in the budget, and one way that parents can be more gently in saying no is by starting the sentence out by saying, "I wish..." I wish I could get you that new toy, but we just don't have the money right now. I know you would have a lot of fun playing with that.

There are many more wonderful ideas out there to help parents learn how to guide their children, and hopefully this has given you a good start!

References:

Ginott, H. G. (2004). Between parent and child: New solutions to old problems (second edition). Macmillan.